Never Realized What a Kiss Could Be

As I begin to find myself closer these days to the end than to the beginning, I’ve become even more prone to self-reflection than I used to be when I was still young. While it’s been a long and winding road from then till now, I’m finding that often I should have known better. (Sorry for that—I’ve been watching the “Get Back” mini-series and kind of have the Beatles on the brain.) I’ve made so many mistakes in the past 58 years that many probably think of me as the fool on the hill at 9535 Serenity Trail. (Hey, be glad I didn’t say “Penny Lane.”) While it was not my intent, I am pretty sure I angered or hurt or disappointed a lot of people over the years. Oftentimes, I merely lacked the experience or maturity to understand what I was doing; at other times, I simply allowed it to happen in spite of knowing better, and those are the times that trouble me.

I was a pretty good kid, but I lacked self-esteem, which means I often did things to feel better about myself. There could be a good side to that, as I think it helped spur me to doing well in academic pursuits, but it was mostly a trait that led me to engage in unwise or inconsiderate behavior. There were other areas in which I’m sure I had my issues, but it was in the realm of romantic relationships that I think I did the most damage. For a guy who always wanted to have a girlfriend, I sure didn’t do the right things to keep them interested in me. Even if I was attractive enough (or funny enough) to cause an initial attraction, I was always looking elsewhere for validation or a new challenge. Needless to say, I had struggles all through my life in remaining faithful. No matter how good things were, it was a constant battle inside myself to remain loyal to the women I was with, and I want to avoid making excuses for that. I didn’t think sex was a big deal, and I was wrong. I failed the women I dated and so failed myself.

Should Have Realized a Lot of Things Before

It was not just in love that I made mistakes; that was only the most obvious arena. For a guy who thinks of himself as a peace-loving, warm-hearted, thoughtful, and caring man, I sure did some things that disturbed the peace, seemed cold, and came across as both thoughtless and careless. There will be some people who read this and they’ll say that I treated them badly, and to them I say that they’re right and I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking of them when I did them wrong, and I should have been. I’m SO good at reading people and dealing with them intuitively, and so it’s embarrassing that I’m so bad at reading me. I am, though. I’m finally getting there after a lifetime of mistakes, but there has been some wreckage along the way, and for that I’m sorry.

While I’m sure there may be some benefit in going through these minor (or major) faux pas in detail, I’ve been accused of over sharing at times, so I’m going to try and resist specifics. I know I run the risk in posting this of allowing those wronged or slighted or angered individuals to lash out publicly, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take, at least right now. I’m writing what I call my “Unofficial Unadulterated Memoirs,” though I won’t be publishing them; it’s merely an exercise in remembering so many events from my life. I often wish I could forget some of them, but one’s brain doesn’t really work that way. Instead of giving specifics, then, the attempt will be made to identify the instances as clearly as possible without identifying the wronged persons. We’ll see how that goes. (As I write this on my phone after midnight, I even wonder if I’ll publish this post.)

My biggest fault—and the main reason why I sense that few even want to know me at all these days—is that I’m way too self-conscious. It drives everything that is negative about me. For a loud, heart-on-my-sleeve kind of man, I sure am filled with self-doubt. Everything gets filtered through that; it’s awful. There you are, telling me why you hate your job, and I respond with how much I’d like to leave my own. I should be listening to you, but I’m worried or upset about my situation. Or you start explaining that you need to stay home to do something important, and there I am, expressing concern that I’ve done something that has caused you not to want to hang out with me. I worry and I make it about me, inappropriately. And I can’t stop myself from doing so; I’m consumed with the fear that you are angry with me. That must drive you all crazy. I try not to worry, but my mind keeps going back to it.

Another drawback to my personality is my poor record with correspondence. I’ve grown to hate the phone, mostly due to a couple of phone-heavy jobs a number of years ago, so I rarely find myself willing to make a call. I’ll always take a call, but I don’t do enough initiating. The same is true with cards, letters, and emails; even though I love to write quite often, it simply doesn’t occur to me to drop a note to my best friend, and before I know it, months have passed, if not years. It’s only gotten worse over the last two or three years, as the political quagmire in which we find ourselves has made it all but impossible to converse with people without fighting about elections or social issues. Again, I’d be happy to reply to your letter or email, but I tend not to initiate those. (My fear is that the first trait listed affects this one, too.)

The next character flaw I’m troubled by was referenced above as well: a lack of self-awareness. This is often tied to romantic situations, such as the time a woman asked me to a party long ago in California; while I had thought that we were there as friends, I found out from several people at the party that it was actually a date. It was really embarrassing, especially since I actually tried to fix that one. When I couldn’t, I ensured that I would regret it for most of my life. I’ve been on the other end of that one as well, and failed to correctly read the situation. All part of growing up and the maturation process, right? Not so much. It didn’t help when I allowed myself to make mistakes that I should definitely have known better than to have committed; if I had thought the whole thing through, I would have realized the problems that my actions would cause.

This Could Only Happen to Me

Not thinking through situations led to a lot of pain, especially when those instances involved mistakes made with members of the opposite sex. Again, without going into detail, I struggled with fidelity. I’m happy to have it under control at last, but I did some things. And people. Were. Not. Happy. Nor should they have been. I screwed up. I screwed up A LOT. It cost me a few relationships, and hurt people I cared deeply about, about whom I still care deeply. I can’t take those instances back, as much as I wish I could. All I can do is say that I’m very, very sorry, and I’m working on getting better at life. I’m actively trying to improve myself, but it can’t undo what has been done. All I can do is learn to do better. So that is where I am.

If you are done with me, I understand. I considered self-harm a couple of times in my life, but I stuck it out and kept trying, mostly because I didn’t want to hurt my mother. She’s gone now, though, and I’m still here, somehow; I must be willing to keep trying. If you want to tell me what I did or how it made you feel, you can tell me and get it off your chest. Email me at bill11robertson@gmail.com if you have something to say. You can call or text me at (231) 493-9030, too, should that be easier. If a public shaming is more your style, you could even do it as a comment here, I guess. You can unload on me, and at the very least I would know why I don’t seem to have a lot of friends these days. It’s evident that I’m wracked with guilt—this is the third time I’ve tried posting this.

It would be better to know. Feel free to share…and be well.